The Magical Adventure
by Mondie
Summary: **Now Finished** The newsies are gods. Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon kidnaps some goddesses so Love god Mush and Pretty god Jack have to save the day. It's actually funny; Jack has Fabio hair. Who wouldn't want to read about that? ;) R&R!
1. Chapter 1

TMA Chapter 1  
  
**A/N: This is meant in no way to be offensive to any religion. I've just been reading a mythology book for AP English next year and I thought it would be funny if the newsies were gods. Also, all characters are Disney's except for the goddesses Kimi and Mondie, who are of course me and my best friend. Heh.**  
  
One day, Pretty god Jack woke up with a crick in his neck. "Healer god Crutchy!" he shouted. "Help me get this crick out of my neck!" In a single bound, Healer god Crutchy leaped over from the other side of the Heavenly Lodging House with the aid of his Trusty Lightning Crutch. He began to hit Pretty god Jack in the neck with it. Soon, Pretty god Jack was in so much pain and so full of lightning that he no longer felt an ache in his neck. He turned to his faithful friend The Mirror, and gasped.  
  
"My hair! My lovely, wonderful, dirty blond, Halo Of Death hair!" he screamed in horror. "It's all burned off! What have you DONE to me, Healer god Crutchy?"  
  
"Sorry, Pretty god Jack," said Healer god Crutchy, bounding back across the room.  
  
"Eek!" cried Pretty god Jack, beginning to experiment with different ways to wear his Magical Bandana around his head to hide his baldness. None of them worked. "My eyebrows are gone, too! Oh, the horror!" he screamed, and pretended to faint on his bed (after, of course, tying his Magical Bandana around his neck perfectly again).  
  
Love god Mush walked over and hit Pretty god Jack in the arm. "Yo, wake up!" he said.  
  
"Yo?" repeated Lazy god Snipeshooter.  
  
"Yo?" repeated Glum-N-Dumb god Skittery.  
  
"Yo-yo!" cried Love god Mush. "I shall create a yo-yo! It shall hypnotize all the purty goddesses in all of Newsie Heaven and make them love me! I shall call it – THE YO-YO OF LOVE!"  
  
"Gasp!" gasped Hottie god Snoddy. "Not the yo-yo of love!"  
  
"You're correct, it's not the 'yo-yo of love'," said Love god Mush in exasperation. "You need to capitalize the first letters to make it more important. It shall be the Yo-Yo Of Love!"  
  
"Hey, Love god Mush," cried Gambler god Racetrack, "Ya wanna play me for the rights to that Yo-Yo Of Love?" He held out a hand of cards tauntingly.  
  
"Uh… no?" said Love god Mush.  
  
"Oh, okay," said Gambler god Racetrack, disappointed.  
  
Pretty god Jack sat up on his bed. "HelLO!" he said, exasperated. "I'm having a DILEMMA with my HAIR and EYEBROWS." He rolled his eyes at the fact that no one but him was Properly Dismayed.  
  
"Sorry, Pretty god Jack," the others said. "Newsie Manhattan Heaven will never be the same." They all said so in a bored monotone.  
  
"Oh no!" Pretty god Jack shouted. "Fair goddess Sarah will NEVER love me if I am bald and ugly!" He began to cry.  
  
"Relax, Pretty god Jack," said Love god Mush. "I know all the goddesses in Newsie Manhattan Heaven. I know tons of them who love bald and ugly guys if Fair goddess Sarah doesn't want you."  
  
"Really?" sniffled Pretty god Jack.  
  
"Actually, no," said Love god Mush. "But I'm sure there are some in Newsie Brooklyn Heaven…" Pretty god Jack began to wail again, for everyone knows that deep down he is terrified of Newsie Brooklyn Heaven.  
  
"Why don't you just wear your Mystical Cowboy Hat?" suggested Acrobatic god Bumlets. "Fair goddess Sarah loves your Mystical Cowboy Hat."  
  
"Ah, yes!" said Pretty god Jack. He pulled his Mystical Cowboy Hat on.  
  
"Deah me!" cried Gambler god Racetrack. "What's that Blinding Light that has filled the Heavenly Lodging House?" He stumbled around a bit.  
  
"Oh, I forgot," said Pretty god Jack, pulling the Mystical Cowboy Hat off. "Sorcerer Denton bewitched it for me so that if anyone wears it for one minute, they are transported to Newsie Santa Fe Heaven. And it also temporarily blinds everyone with a Blinding Light."  
  
"Oooh, let me see!" cried Lazy god Snipeshooter, jumping up and running across the room. Everyone knows the only time he ever runs is to get at something that someone else has, because otherwise he is very, very lazy. He grabbed the Mystical Cowboy Hat and put it on his head. Pretty god Jack tried to catch him, but the Blinding Light temporarily blinded Pretty god Jack and after one minute, Lazy god Snipeshooter was transported away.  
  
"It's okay," said Gambler god Racetrack. "He always stole my Triumph Cigars, anyhow." He put a Triumph Cigar into his mouth because he was triumphant that he could.  
  
Pretty god Jack began to sob again. "Now what do I do?" he asked.  
  
"I have the best idea!" shouted Love god Mush. Everyone looked at him. At that moment, two beautiful goddesses in pink dresses appeared. "Oh, sorry," said Love god Mush. "I'll have to tell ya later, I have a date with these two." He left the Heavenly Lodging House with the giggling goddesses.  
  
Just then, a purple and teal Transport Bubble popped into the Heavenly Lodging House. In it was Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. Acrobatic god Bumlets backflipped over and, using his cane, began to Fantastically Fence with the Transport Bubble. It popped. Acrobatic god Bumlets pirouetted back to his bunk quickly and acrobatically and was sitting before Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon even registered what was happening.  
  
"Who did that?!" sputtered Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "Was it YOU, Gambler god Racetrack? Or you, Healer god Crutchy? Hottie god Snoddy? Anonymous god Bald-Guy-Looking-Into-Pretty-god-Jack's-faithful-friend-The- Mirror? Or was it YOU, Acrobatic god Bumlets?" Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon inched toward Acrobatic god Bumlets, waving his Cane Of Terror and holding his No Mercy Slingshot.  
  
To escape, Acrobatic god Bumlets jumped into the air and caught hold of the ceiling fan. He began to spin around and around.  
  
"Oooooh!" said Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "For that acrobatic feat, I shall not harm you." He turned to Pretty god Jack. "Who are you?"  
  
"It's me, Pretty god Jack," sniffled Pretty god Jack.  
  
"His name is now Ugly god Jack," said Naming god Boots.  
  
Ugly god Jack began to wail. "Healer god Crutchy did it!"  
  
Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon advanced toward Healer god Crutchy.  
  
"Eek!" squeaked Healer god Crutchy. "Pretty… I mean, Ugly god Jack told me to!"  
  
"You shall feel the wrath of the Cane Of Terror!" cried Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "That is, unless you call on the aid of Fair goddess Sarah!"  
  
"Fair goddess Sarah!" squeaked Healer god Crutchy. "Save me!"  
  
Suddenly a hurricane blew into the Heavenly Lodging House, and on it rode Fair goddess Sarah on her Enchanted Piece Of Wood, straight from Newsie David's House Heaven. "What is it?" she asked.  
  
"Bwahaha!" laughed Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon evilly. "Your Pretty god Jack is now Ugly god Jack! Look over yonder!"  
  
"Why, all I see is an anonymous god Bald-Guy-Looking-Into-Pretty-god- Jack's-faithful-friend-The-Mirror," said Fair goddess Sarah.  
  
"Hi, Fair goddess Sarah," said Ugly god Jack glumly.  
  
Fair goddess Sarah shrieked. "Ewwww! He's ugly!" she screamed.  
  
"Will you marry me, Fair goddess Sarah?" asked Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon.  
  
"No, for Love god Mush is still far more attractive than you. I can have adorable little gods and goddesses with him," she answered. "Oh, Love god Mu-ush…" she called out.  
  
"Nooooooooo!" cried Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "If that is so, then I shall have to – ENCHANTINGLY KIDNAP YOU!"  
  
"No!" gasped all the Newsie gods.  
  
"Yes!" laughed Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon.  
  
"His name is now Crazy god Spot Conlon," said Naming god Boots.  
  
At that moment, Love god Mush crashed through the door with the giggling pink goddesses. "A damsel in distress has called my name!" he yelled. "Who is it?"  
  
"No, I just want to marry you," explained Fair goddess Sarah.  
  
"Ohhhh," said Love god Mush. "Well, who doesn't?"  
  
Pink goddess #1 Kimi squealed in delight. "It's Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon!"  
  
"No, now he's Crazy god Spot Conlon," corrected Naming god Boots.  
  
"Even better!" screamed Pink goddess #1 Kimi, throwing herself at Crazy god Spot Conlon's ankles.  
  
"And she is now Psycho goddess Kimi," Naming god Boots said, scratching his head.  
  
"Ahem!" said Crazy god Spot Conlon. "AS I WAS SAYING, I am now Enchantingly Kidnapping Fair goddess Sarah!" He grabbed his Key Of Doom from around his neck and drew a circle in the air. Then using his Cane Of Terror, he prodded the circle until it became a 3D bubble. He made a hole in the side and pushed Fair goddess Sarah into it. Psycho goddess Kimi was still on his ankles when he stepped in himself, so she went along too. Crazy god Spot Conlon spit on the inside of the Transport Bubble and yelled "NEWSIE BROOKLYN HEAVEN!" and the Transport Bubble disappeared.  
  
"We must save Fair goddess Sarah!" Love god Mush said. "Come along, Author goddess Mondie!"  
  
"Hey!" said Naming god Boots. "She was Pink goddess #2 Mondie! I am the one who comes up with the names around here, Love god Mush!"  
  
"But I thought she should be the Recorder of our Magical Adventure!" said Love god Mush.  
  
"Oh, okay," sighed Naming god Boots. "Author goddess Mondie it is."  
  
"Come along, Naming god Boots! And Acrobatic god Bumlets! And Glum-N- Dumb god Skittery! Come, Sweet god Kid Blink! And Gambler god Racetrack! And Hottie god Snoddy! And Jack," said Love god Mush.  
  
"HelLO!" yelled Ugly god Jack. "My name is not Just Jack!" He did a little dance and put his hands up next to his face. **A/N: I love Will & Grace hehe** "My name is Ugly god Jack! And I am NOT going anywhere without having Hair Implants of Wonder!"  
  
"Okay, okay," said Love god Mush. Sorcerer Denton appeared and gave Ugly god Jack Fabio hair and Freddie Prinze Jr. eyebrows, making him, as Naming god Boots decreed, "Extremely Ugly god Jack."  
  
And so the Magical Adventure began.  
  
**Copyright © Mondie 2002** 


	2. Chapter 2

TMA Chapter 2  
  
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream… merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!" Love god Mush sang the next day, as the newsie gods and goddess trudged through the Bewitched Forest Of Kraft, which was somewhere in Newsie Kentucky Heaven. Extremely Ugly god Jack had been entrusted with the Jewel Encrusted Compass, but he had eaten all the jewels off it and had gotten them all incredibly lost.  
  
"Oooh!" said Extremely Ugly god Jack, looking around. "Cheese Trees!"  
  
"What else would you expect in the Bewitched Forest of Kraft?" roared an Unseen Voice, which then cackled loudly.  
  
Naming god Boots shrugged. "Perhaps a Macaroni and Cheese River?"  
  
"Don't push your luck, Velveeta Boy," the Unseen Voice sneered.  
  
Naming god Boots grew angry. "How many times do I have to tell you all?" he demanded. "I am the one who gives the names! Me! Me! ME!"  
  
With that, the Unseen Voice sent down a Tennis Ball Of Destiny which bounced on Naming god Boots' head and knocked him out.  
  
"Hey, what's that ahead?" asked Hottie god Snoddy. He pointed. "Some sort of yellow road!"  
  
At that moment, a troupe of Unknown Talk Show Hosts came running out. "Follow the Cheese Singles Road!" cried one. The others repeated the cry, and began to sing: "Follow the Cheese Singles Road! Follow the Cheese Singles Road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the Cheese Singles Road!"  
  
"Follow the Cheese Singles Road?" Author goddess Mondie echoed, then wrote it down on her laptop on which she was writing the story The Magic Adventure.  
  
Love god Mush watched her type. "You look so cute when you're all smart," he said, smiling winningly at her.  
  
"Oh, Love god Mush!" she screamed, and they made out for about five minutes until they realized the rest of their group had continued on the Cheese Singles Road except for them and that the troupe of Unknown Talk Show Hosts were staring at them. This creeped them out, so they ran to catch up.  
  
When they caught up to the group of gods, everyone realized they had left Naming god Boots behind, passed out, in the middle of the Cheese Trees. They all shrugged and continued on.  
  
The next day, they were traveling through the Desert Of Doom because Extremely Ugly god Jack had, once again, gotten them lost. The Unseen Voice from before cackled through the air: "You shall soon meet your Yet-To-Be- Determined Deaths!"  
  
"Eek!" shrieked Extremely Ugly god Jack, jumping into Hottie god Snoddy's arms. "Save me!"  
  
"Get away!" Hottie god Snoddy shouted, dropping Extremely Ugly god Jack onto the hot sand. The sand burned off all of Extremely Ugly god Jack's Fabio hair, leaving him with only his Freddie Prinze Jr. eyebrows. Everyone waited for someone to rename him Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, but since Naming god Boots was still passed out in the Bewitched Forest of Kraft, there was no such luck.. The Unseen Voice decided to rename him for them, so they happily continued (except Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, who was sniffling because he'd broken his faithful friend The Travel Mirror when he'd fallen).  
  
"Oops! I did it again…" sang Disgustingly Ugly god Jack as they stomped through the Muckety-Muck Swamp a little while later. "I go-ot us lost, in thi-is here swamp. Oh, Snoddy, Snoddy…"  
  
"Stop singing about me, please," Hottie god Snoddy whined.  
  
"Oh, all RIGHT," said Disgustingly Ugly god Jack with a sigh. "Hey, Acrobatic god Bumlets, how about you backflip on ahead and let us know if Certain Peril is up there?"  
  
"That's a good idea, Disgustingly Ugly god Jack," said Acrobatic god Bumlets in surprise. He backflipped on ahead and then soon came jete-ing back. "Certain Peril, straight ahead!" he screamed.  
  
"C'mon, Love god Mush!" cried Author goddess Mondie, jumping onto a Power Wheels jeep that was sitting by the side of the road. "Let's drive away!"  
  
"Oooh, a Plastic goddess Barbie Talking Phone!" said Love god Mush, picking up the pink receiver. "Hello?"  
  
"Let's … go … to … the … beach!" said the electronic voice of Plastic goddess Barbie.  
  
"Oooh! Oooh! I wanna come!" shouted Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, clapping his hands and dancing in a circle.  
  
"Eek!" screamed Love god Mush. "Don't worry, I'll fight him off with my Miraculous Suspenders Of Certain Death!" He began to do karate moves with his Miraculous Suspenders Of Certain Death and tried to fight off Disgustingly Ugly god Jack with them, but only ended up tangling both of them and the Plastic goddess Barbie Talking Phone into a jumbled heap in the passenger seat of the jeep.  
  
Meanwhile the other newsie gods had found other modes of transportation: Acrobatic god Bumlets found a Stampeding Elephant Of The Unsuccessful Circus, Hottie god Snoddy found a Terrifying Unicycle, Gambler god Racetrack found a Mystifying Pogo Stick, while Sweet god Kid Blink and Glum-N-Dumb god Skittery found a Two-Seated Badger Of Courage. Author goddess Mondie revved up the engine of the Power Wheels and they all began to travel to the Plastic goddess Barbie's beach.  
  
When halfway there, Author goddess Mondie finally realized that Plastic goddess Barbie did not really exist. But unfortunately, they had just gone straight into The Land Of No Return: Boy Band Land.  
  
"Oooh, oooooooh," sang a tenor as the bass tried to figure out his dance moves. Disgustingly Ugly god Jack disentangled himself from Love god Mush's Miraculous Suspenders Of Certain Death and ran over, wiggling like a little puppy.  
  
"Let me sing! Let me sing!" he yelled.  
  
Then all twenty of the Evil Cloned Boy Bands who occupied Boy Band Land turned on the small group of traveling newsie gods.  
  
"You shall never leave Boy Band Land until you become your own boy band!" shouted the leader of the Most Important Boy Band. His voice got higher and higher as he talked, and when he finished his speech, he, and all the other Evil Cloned Boy Band members turned into Plastic goddess Barbies.  
  
"You wear sparkly dresses," said Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, drooling.  
  
"What should our song be about?" asked Acrobatic god Bumlets.  
  
"I think we should each come up with a line to sing," suggested Love god Mush, "and Acrobatic god Bumlets should do the choreography." He was talking into the receiver that was connected to the Power Wheels. Author goddess Mondie shook her head, then began to type all the occurrences up.  
  
For the next hour, the gods worked hard on what to sing and how to dance. Finally they all met up and got up on the Stage Of Smiley Tears to perform.  
  
"I like sparkly objects," sang Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, and ran his fingers through his non-existent hair while the other boys went into extremely difficult and acrobatic moves.  
  
"I wish I had eaten some of the Cheese Singles Road," sang Glum-N- Dumb god Skittery. Disgustingly Ugly god Jack again ran his fingers across his bald head while the other gods did jumping jacks and pirouettes.  
  
"I have Miraculous Suspenders Of Certain Death," Love god Mush sang loudly, and Disgustingly Ugly god Jack checked his reflection in his second- most-faithful friend, The Compact Mirror, while the other gods did backflips and cartwheels.  
  
"I wear the Roaring Eye Patch because my left eye is allergic to the sun," sang Sweet god Kid Blink. Disgustingly Ugly god Jack cleaned his teeth while the boys did The Mashed Potato and The Worm.  
  
"Hi, my name is Gambler god Racetrack, and I have a gambling problem," sang Gambler god Racetrack, in a Climatic Crescendo. The gods all rose up en pointe and started a kick-line while Disgustingly Ugly god Jack tried to figure out his percent body fat.  
  
"I'm not in this story but I wish I were," sang Disturbed god Swifty, then disappeared while all the gods stared at each other.  
  
"I am just FINE," sang Hottie god Snoddy, and as the gods picked up their Toxic Pom-Poms and performed a quick cheerleading performance, Disgustingly Ugly god Jack became convinced he was an alien by watching the movie "ET" in fast forward.  
  
"Every little thing we do… slam dunk da funk… everybody, yeah, rock your body… my liquid dreams… bye, bye, bye!" sang all the achieved newsie gods, in harmony.  
  
Disgustingly Ugly god Jack finished out the performance by falling to his knees and wailing, "I'm not a girl… not yet a woman…"  
  
For an encore, the Newsie god Boy Band sang the song "God Bless The USA." Disgustingly Ugly god Jack didn't know the words, so he just sang "Three Blind Mice" along.  
  
"And now, the Threatening Pelvic Thrust!" shouted Gambler god Racetrack. It was their only weapon against the Evil Cloned Boy Bands.  
  
"BAM!" all of them, including Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, shouted, doing the Threatening Pelvic Thrust. All the Barbie/Boy Banders exploded.  
  
"Cool," said Disgustingly Ugly god Jack.  
  
"C'mon!" screamed Author goddess Mondie. "We've got to go find Crazy god Spot Conlon's Secret Location and release Psycho goddess Kimi and Fair goddess Sarah!"  
  
"What?" said Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, raising his Freddie eyebrows high. "You mean we're NOT on an Olympic Ice Skating Tour? I thought I was Todd Eldredge…"  
  
"If you're Eldredge, I'm totally Timothy Goebel," said Hottie god Snoddy, sticking out his tongue.  
  
"I'm Elvis Stojko," said Love god Mush. "Hey, Author goddess Mondie, you wanna come Stojko my Elvis?"  
  
"Love god Mush, you don't even make sense," said Author goddess Mondie. "But wanna make out in this Power Wheels jeep?"  
  
"Yeah!" answered Love god Mush.  
  
"To the Badger!" Sweet god Kid Blink shouted. So everyone got ready to travel again and Author goddess Mondie and Love god Mush pouted because they couldn't make out. Then everyone left Boy Band Land.  
  
**Copyright © Mondie 2002** 


	3. Chapter 3

TMA Chapter 3  
  
All the newsie gods and goddess got into their Modes Of Transportation, but Disgustingly Ugly god Jack didn't have any since on the ride TO Boy Band Land, he'd been tangled up in the jeep. He began to cry.  
  
The Unseen Voice came from the sky again: "You are all to be Terrifically Tortured by the fact that I shall keep Disgustingly Ugly god Jack in your group!" Everyone groaned, and the Unseen Voice giggled. "However, that means that one of you is to perish in his Yet-To-Be-Determined Death right now so Disgustingly Ugly god Jack can take his Mode Of Transportation!"  
  
"Hey, why can't she go?" yelled Acrobatic god Bumlets, pointing at Author goddess Mondie. "You said 'his'!"  
  
Author goddess Mondie glared at Acrobatic god Bumlets, who smiled uneasily back. She bent over her laptop and he gulped, because he was pretty sure she was going to write something bad about him. He wished he had held his tongue.  
  
"Your name is now Appalling god Bumlets," Author goddess Mondie decided.  
  
"Aw, shucks!" cried Appalling god Bumlets. "I'm sorry, Author goddess Mondie."  
  
"Oh, okay. You can have your old name back," Author goddess Mondie decided.  
  
The Unseen Voice yelled down, "The reason Author goddess Mondie cannot be killed is because then who would write about me? I want to be in this story!"  
  
"I don't know why," grumbled Disgustingly Ugly god Jack.  
  
"Uh!" humphed Author goddess Mondie. "If you didn't already have the worst name ever, I would rename you something even worse!"  
  
"So anyway," the Unseen Voice said, "Let's look at these Modes Of Transportation. Now, as we all know, Disgustingly Ugly god Jack isn't very smart. Therefore he can't have any Mode Of Transportation which requires brain power to operate."  
  
"Love god Mush is staying on this quest," Author goddess Mondie screeched, "Or else I'll delete you from the story, Unseen Voice!"  
  
"Eek!" screamed the Unseen Voice. "All right, Love god Mush stays." Love god Mush cheered.  
  
"Deah me," said Gambler god Racetrack, "This Mystifying Pogo Stick is much too difficult for Disgustingly Ugly god Jack to operate." Disgustingly Ugly god Jack agreed.  
  
"Well, he can't ride a Terrifying Unicycle, that's for sure," said Acrobatic god Bumlets.  
  
"Hey!" yelled Hottie god Snoddy. "That's MY Mode Of Transportation!"  
  
"Are you sure?" called the Unseen Voice.  
  
Author goddess Mondie checked Chapter Two. "Yes, he's right," she said. "Hottie god Snoddy is the Owner of the Terrifying Unicycle."  
  
"Ooooh!" said Disgustingly Ugly god Jack. "I want to ride this camel!"  
  
"That's my Stampeding Elephant Of The Unsuccessful Circus, you dim-witted, rip-snorting, every-time a bull's-eye salesman, that's Professor Harold Hill, Harold Hill!" shouted Acrobatic god Bumlets.  
  
"Ooooh, I love The Music Man," said the Unseen Voice. "Seventy-six trombones led the big parade..."  
  
"With a hundred and ten cornets close at hand!" shouted Acrobatic god Bumlets.  
  
"They were followed by rows and rows of the finest virtuosos, the cream of every famous band!" all the other newsies gods and goddess joined in with the two.  
  
The Unseen Voice chuckled. "You're great fun, Acrobatic god Bumlets. It's awfully sad that I'm going to have to kill you because Disgustingly Ugly god Jack could never operate the Badger of Courage."  
  
"Phew," said Glum-N-Dumb god Skittery and Sweet god Kid Blink.  
  
"Nooooo!" shouted Acrobatic god Bumlets. Out of the lake next to them jumped ten Beautiful Mermaids who caught Acrobatic god Bumlets by the arms. "Then again..." he said with a grin. "Hey, baby. What an angel!"  
  
"What kind of death was that? He's just going to live at the bottom of that lake and Swim With The Delicious Mermaids!" shouted Naming god Boots from the Bewitched Forest of Kraft. "I'm stuck all the way over here alone in the Cheese Trees!"  
  
"Sorry. Bad luck," said the Unseen Voice. Author goddess Mondie was sure that if the Unseen Voice had shoulders, it would be shrugging them.  
  
"Hey, what's that ahead?" shouted Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, who was now perched atop the Stampeding Elephant of the Unsuccessful Circus. He pointed. Everyone squinted.  
  
"It's CANDY LAND!" screamed everyone at once. The Unseen Voice vanished as everyone operated their Modes Of Transportation toward Candy Land.  
  
When they got closer, though, they were all disappointed. "It's not Candy Land!" Hottie god Snoddy yelled, pouting. "It's only Clue!"  
  
"Yay! I love Clue!" shouted Author goddess Mondie. "I think it was Professor Plum in the library with the lead pipe!"  
  
"I can't prove you wrong," everyone said. Author goddess Mondie ran to the stairwell and grabbed the Manila Envelope which was bigger than her body and struggled to open the flap. Love god Mush came to help her and gave her a large wink. They pulled out the cards and Author goddess Mondie won the game!  
  
"No you didn't," Disgustingly Ugly god Jack said, reading over her shoulder as she typed. "We're not in Clue. We're in the middle of Outer Space."  
  
"Clue is more exciting," Author goddess Mondie explained to him. "Who wants to read about Outer Space?"  
  
"I do!" screamed a Rocket Ship full of Aliens.  
  
"Hey! I'm one of them!" remembered Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, thinking back to when they were in Boy Band Land.  
  
The Unseen Voice had to send down Killer Comets to stop Disgustingly Ugly god Jack from jumping from his Stampeding Elephant Of The Unsuccessful Circus to the Rocket Ship full of Aliens.  
  
"Ya know what?" Love god Mush mused, looking at the stars.  
  
"What, Love god Mush?" Author goddess Mondie said dreamily, leaning against him.  
  
"I bet Newsie Brooklyn Heaven is back down on Earth," Mush said.  
  
Author goddess Mondie rolled her eyes. "That's not very romantic, Love god Mush."  
  
Love god Mush shrugged. "Sorry. I'm a guy. Not even the gods were in tune with the goddesses' wants and desires."  
  
"Shucks," said Author goddess Mondie. "Mind if I write in the story that you're unbelievably romantic?"  
  
"Will the other goddesses believe it?"  
  
"Sure!" Author goddess Mondie assured him.  
  
"Okay, then," said Love god Mush.  
  
Love god Mush is unbelievably romantic.  
  
"Ooooh, you even spelled it right," said Love god Mush as he read over Author goddess Mondie's shoulder.  
  
"Yeah, I know. Now let's go back to Earth."  
  
Sorcerer Denton came on a shooting star and with a wave of his Magic Wand, sent them back to Earth. He disappeared before he could give Disgustingly Ugly god Jack Hair Implants of Wonder again, though, so Disgustingly Ugly god Jack was very disappointed.  
  
The next Few Days were Horribly Long and Evil, because Disgustingly Ugly god Jack STILL insisted upon being the Navigator. Before the days were over, the Unseen Voice had killed off not only Hottie god Snoddy, Glum-N-Dumb god Skittery, AND Sweet god Kid Blink, but also Gambler god Racetrack! Author goddess Mondie was sad about losing all four of them. But this meant she could make out with Love god Mush a lot more.  
  
On the eve of the twenty-second night, the three newsie gods and goddess left found a sign which read, "Thirteen miles to Newsie Brooklyn Heaven."  
  
"Oooh, I think this means we turn around and head in the direction we just came in," said Disgustingly Ugly god Jack, who in the last twenty-two days had been renamed to Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack.  
  
Luckily Author goddess Mondie and Love god Mush looked up from making out long enough to know that they should continue forward.  
  
Every two seconds came another sign which would read, "12.999999999 miles" and so on. Finally they got down to a sign which read ".1 miles to Newsie Brooklyn Heaven."  
  
"Wahoo!" cheered all three of them.  
  
"What's that purty Music?" said Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack.  
  
Love god Mush and Author goddess Mondie strained their ears. "It sounds like harp," said Love god Mush.  
  
"And singing," said Author goddess Mondie. She perked up. "I would know that voice anywhere! Oh, Best Friend Psycho goddess Kimi!" She pressed down on the gas pedal and the group (Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack had tied his Stampeding Elephant Of The Unsuccessful Circus to the back of the Power Wheels jeep to make sure he didn't get separated) rushed forward towards the Golden Gate And Staircase Of Newsie Brooklyn Heaven.  
  
**Copyright (c) Mondie 2002** 


	4. Chapter 4

TMA Chapter 1  
Psycho goddess Kimi was sitting on a Golden Stair of the Golden Stairs And Gate To Newsie Brooklyn Heaven and singing a Very Sad Love Song while playing a harp:  
  
O, sings I, this ode to my one true love  
He's furnished my heart with a table with a light above  
He's furnished my brain with a fridge and an oven  
He needs to come back for some more Kimi lovin'  
He claims to love Fair goddess Sarah  
She is ugly and ... uh ... doesn't know how to share-a  
Crazy god Spot Conlon is the one who holds my key  
(It's around his neck on some string, just look and there it'll be)  
I love the way he punishes others with his mighty Cane Of Terror  
I've been working with the gang of Scooby Doo to create my own secret lair  
If I were on the Brooklyn Bridge, into the water, Sarah I would shove  
O, sings I, this ode to my one ... true ... LOVE!  
  
Psycho goddess Kimi screeched out the last word, and threw her harp as if she were a Temperamental Rock Star. It hit Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack in the head and knocked him out for a second. When he came to, he decided, "I'm never washing this head again!"  
  
"Yeah right, like with that skanky hair, it's ever been washed before," Love god Mush said, Rolling his Eyes.  
  
"Hi, Psycho goddess Kimi!" screamed Author goddess Mondie, running over to her best friend.  
  
"Hi, Author goddess Mondie!" answered Psycho goddess Kimi.  
  
"Wait! You left before I was renamed! How did you know my new name?" asked Author goddess Mondie.  
  
Psycho goddess Kimi rolled her eyes. "Who do you think sent Sorcerer Denton to get you guys from Outer Space? I've been reading along in your online diary, Author goddess Mondie. Duh. I've been waiting for like YEARS for all of you to come and rescue Fair goddess Sarah so Crazy god Spot Conlon and I can live together in peace!"  
  
"Let's do a Tap Dance Of The Tubas!" suggested Author goddess Mondie, because she could. So Psycho goddess Kimi and Author goddess Mondie began to do a tap dance. Love god Mush and Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack dressed up as tubas to dance along.  
  
"All right," said Love god Mush, when they were all Properly Winded. "So, Psycho goddess Kimi, how do we get through this Golden Gate into Newsie Brooklyn Heaven?"  
  
Psycho goddess Kimi glared at him. "Love god Mush, don't be stupid. If I knew, would I be sitting outside singing?!" She picked up her harp and threw it at him. Luckily he had enough sense to duck, but Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack didn't, which was evident in the way he sprinted over just SO it would hit him in the head.  
  
"Hey look!" said Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid god Jack, grinning as his teeth fell out. "Little Birdies!"  
  
"Oooh! Catch one!" screamed Love god Mush, and he, Author goddess Mondie, and Psycho goddess Kimi all grabbed some of the Little Birdies that were flying around Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack's head. Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack was left with the flying Little Octopus, but he didn't mind. They all climbed onto their animals and flew over the Golden Gate and into Newsie Brooklyn Heaven, which was filled with Cotton Candy Clouds and Skittle Rainbows.  
  
Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack grabbed a Skittle and made the whole Rainbow fall out of the sky, then found because he was Toothless, he couldn't eat it anyhow. It was a very not-fun time for him. He Pouted.  
  
Psycho goddess Kimi led the way to Crazy god Spot Conlon's castle, which was made of Pizza And Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches. Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack Pouted even more.  
  
"Ack! What's going on?!" screamed Crazy god Spot Conlon as The-Fearless-Three-And-Disgustingly-Ugly-And-Stupid-And-Toothless-god-Jack (which is what they chose to name their Spinoff TV Show) flew in a window.  
  
"Sorry, Crazy god Spot Conlon," said Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack, climbing off his flying Little Octopus. He made sure not to make eye contact because, remember, Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack is deep down scared to death of Newsie Brooklyn Heaven. "But we've come to take Fair goddess Sarah."  
  
"Fine, I don't want her anymore," said Crazy god Spot Conlon, Rolling his Eyes. "All she does is eat my castle and Skittle Rainbows, anyhow." He pointed over in the corner, where Fair goddess Sarah sat, crying. She was no longer Fair, but WAS Very Fat.  
  
"You don't want me anymore, Ugly god Jack," she said, because she hadn't kept up with the story online and didn't know that his name was considerably longer. Author goddess Mondie was very glad for this, because she was tired of typing out Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack.  
  
"I still want you, Very Fat And Not Fair goddess Sarah! Oh, and my name is now Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack," Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack told her.  
  
"Drat," said Author goddess Mondie.  
  
"Why, how can I understand you if you have no teeth, Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack?" asked Very Fat And Not Fair goddess Sarah.  
  
"Because... Luke, I am your father," said Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless god Jack, and everyone noticed that he was wearing a Teletubby costume.  
  
"Oh, boy. Who wants to tell him that that isn't a Darth Vader costume?" sighed Crazy god Spot Conlon.  
  
Nobody wanted to except Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless And In A Teletubby Costume god Jack, who gleefully told himself and then was crushed from the harsh words he used.  
  
"You know, this Magical Adventure isn't making much sense," Love god Mush commented.  
  
"It never made sense, Love god Mush," answered Author goddess Mondie. "...Think Healer god Crutchy can become Priest god Crutchy and come and marry us?"  
  
"Of course I can!" said Priest god Crutchy, appearing.  
  
"How'd you get here so fast?" asked Crazy god Spot Conlon.  
  
"Oh, I took the Sorcerer Denton Subway," answered Priest god Crutchy.  
  
"D'oh," said Love god Mush, Author goddess Mondie and Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless And In A Teletubby Costume god Jack.  
  
Then Priest god Crutchy Set Forth and Married Author goddess Mondie and Love god Mush so that Author goddess Mondie became Mrs. Love god Mush. She was Eternally Happy.  
  
Psycho goddess Kimi stole Crazy god Spot Conlon's No Mercy Slingshot and while he was staring at her in Shock, she had Priest god Crutchy Set Forth and Marry them, too. So she became Mrs. Crazy god Spot Conlon, and SHE was Eternally Happy, too.  
  
Very Fat And Not Fair goddess Sarah got married to Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless And In A Teletubby Costume god Jack, which didn't make her Eternally Happy, but since they'd both gone from being the Most Beautiful god and goddess in the story to the Extreme Ugliest, she didn't have much of a choice. She paid off Author goddess Mondie to rename Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless And In A Teletubby Costume god Jack to Teletubby god Jack, at least, which made everyone happy:  
  
Author goddess Mondie was happy because she no longer had to type out Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless And In A Teletubby Costume god Jack. Even though she WAS getting very fast at it. *buffs fingernails on shirt*  
  
Love god Mush was happy because he got to make out with Author goddess Mondie in the hot tub they bought with the money from Very Fat And Not Fair goddess Sarah.  
  
Very Fat And Not Fair goddess Sarah was happy because she no longer had to live with the humiliation of being married to someone called Disgustingly Ugly And Stupid And Toothless And In A Teletubby Costume god Jack.  
  
Teletubby god Jack was happy because he got to keep his flying Little Octopus.  
  
Psycho goddess Kimi was happy because she no longer had to play the harp.  
  
And Crazy god Spot Conlon was happy because he could officially kick everyone but Psycho goddess Kimi out of Newsie Brooklyn Heaven. Of course, Psycho goddess Kimi still had Author goddess Mondie over for crumpets in the afternoon and ice skating in the winter, but for the most part Crazy god Spot Conlon was left alone with his wife.  
  
And so ended The Magical Adventure.  
  
**Copyright (c) 2002 Mondie** 


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